I've been busy..definitely not surprising due to my lack of consistency blogging. I have no complaints about that, but I do miss the leisure time I took for granted so often. A lot has been going on in my life, and surprisingly it has all been good. My career is well on its way, despite my constant lack of free time...I'm happy, no more days of despair and self-hatred(we all have our moments, but mine have been few to none, praise God)....and I'm finally experiencing what it feels like to have someone in my life, who for the most part seems to genuinely care about me. Of course when things are going seemingly well, the devil always has to throw a wrench in my plans...make attempts to throw you off task and play tricks on you to make you feel like your happiness is not real(the dude I'm dating hates when I say that because he thinks I'm giving the devil too much credit...but that's neither here nor there).... and with that being said, enter I enter the realm of what-if...
Ever since I decided that I was not going to be a slave to my prior relationship, and began to move on....my ex-boyfriend has decided to take this opportunity to proclaim his readiness to finally commit to me. Seriously? After almost a decade of ups and downs, cheating, betrayal and hurt...now you re ready? At first I laughed his proclamation off, then my mind began to play tricks on me. It started off with the what ifs, then doubt set in...then he planted a seed of "this new guy is only treating you right because its new, it wont last" and finally I have been plagued with apprehension. Things have been going so well, I'm happier than I think I have been in a long time. He makes me feel appreciated, content even. So why do I still have that sliver of doubt in my mind? In my heart I know this infatuation with making things work with my ex, rectifying all the years of hurt with happiness, and finally getting what I always thought I wanted...seems like complete bullshit. I don't think I want that anymore, yet my heart still ping's with twinges of pain when I think about him...think about what we could have had. I definitely need to refocus on whats been going on lately. My new found happiness...the possibilities of what can be and my renewed sense of freedom from a hurtful past.
I need to get over it, and move on.
I think that it is great that you have found happiness in life as that is what is so very importatnt. I would say to keep moving forward and not look back. You deserve to be HAPPY girl. It is natural to be nervous about this new relationship, but just remember that no one is perfect and that we all have our flaws, but if he truly cares for you. I would stick with it! Just continue to pray about it and take it one day at a time. Sometimes things do not so themselves overnight as some of us would like, but in time the truth will be made known. I guess that I always think too that God's blessings to us would never make us sad or self loathing. You know. I will keep you in my prayers. xoxo!
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