Even though I know things are going awesomely well for me... I still have my moments where I want more. A better job (despite the fact that I love being a legal aid attorney) nicer things... basically the normal more, more, more that many young professionals find themselves craving. Wanting too much and feeling like things are not going in the right direction, I believe..is just the devil trying to cloud your vision and prevent you from going where you need to be and on God's time. My friend sent me the link to this song tonight, and I must admit...my feelings of more, more, more seem very unwarranted. I think my career and life are going in the right direction, and I really should take a moment to be grateful for all the things I have.....
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The pursuit of happiness....
I want nothing more in this world than to be free. Free from restraints, stipulations, advice, opinions, and self. I'm tired of others expectations, beliefs and theories. I want to live an existence that survives mainly on mine, but more so God's plan of travel in my life. Who created our ideal of happiness, and is the concept even real? I have so much, yet yearn for so much more. Who told me that my desires, were even desirable..better yet attainable. I don't want to act just because you want me to, and if I don't do what you want me to on your time schedule.. I don't want your look of disdain..or to see the disappointment in your eyes. It's my life after all. I don't really need you or anyone else for that matter trying to live it for me. I'm chasing a dream that I created for myself(or at least I hope I did) and I am tired of forces interfering with my pursuit of....
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
flaws and all.........
I keep asking myself, is it normal to question every facet of my life? I try and try to just accept things as they are, and to keep moving forward...but I tend to become fixated on moments that seem too good to be true. According to the astrology book I bought at Barnes & Noble yesterday, it's an inherent flaw in my sign (Scorpio, and no I did not conform to the new found your zodiac has changed findings)...Question everything. Every blessing, every curse, every good thing, every bad thing and even in some instances God. It's crazy...and to make matters worse, my boyfriend is the exact same sign as me, and shares the same numerology number as well...meaning we are eerily similar and unfortunately share that same flaw. I try not to get so caught up in the realm of zodiac and astrology, but today I seem to be second guessing everything. I feel so random.... Who questions an I love you? Who wonders why someone encourages you to go finish your work in lieu of spending QT with them? Who wonders why someone tells them they mean the world to them? Either I'm succumbing to my own flaws, or I am really just doing too much thinking tonight......
I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes indeed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day
[chorus:]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you
And that's why I love you
And that's why I love you
I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
And that's exactly what I need
[chorus:] [2x]
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you
And that's why I love you
And that's why I love you
a journey....
Everyday is a journey through self-discovery. I've learned a lot of things about myself this past year...some of which I've always known but chose to ignore, and other things I was afraid to admit were ever in existence, but play a major role in who I am....
Growing up is difficult and coming into your own is sometimes even harder. A journey on a road filled with twists and turns, ups and downs..and sometimes dead ends. I need to stop being so controlling and learn to just enjoy the trip until I reach the destination. I find myself wanting to know whats next, or anticipate my next adventure...I really need patience during my travel. I think I'm subliminally trying to guess what lies ahead, or even plan things in the future to alleviate the element of surprise I'm fearful of facing.
I need to learn how to accept things and not allow my own free will to alter my course. He knows where I will end up and I need to be faithful and steadfast in my belief that He will not take me anywhere I do not need to be. I need peace within myself along this journey........
Growing up is difficult and coming into your own is sometimes even harder. A journey on a road filled with twists and turns, ups and downs..and sometimes dead ends. I need to stop being so controlling and learn to just enjoy the trip until I reach the destination. I find myself wanting to know whats next, or anticipate my next adventure...I really need patience during my travel. I think I'm subliminally trying to guess what lies ahead, or even plan things in the future to alleviate the element of surprise I'm fearful of facing.
I need to learn how to accept things and not allow my own free will to alter my course. He knows where I will end up and I need to be faithful and steadfast in my belief that He will not take me anywhere I do not need to be. I need peace within myself along this journey........
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
whew!!!!
Today was the longest day ever..... I was in court 6hrs...LITERALLY six hours, waiting for my case to be called on the docket. During that long stint in the courtroom, I came to some pretty profound conclusions.....
1)I have very little patience....I had points today where I literally wanted to cry. I was so frustrated waiting and waiting for my case to come up. I had to stop myself from screaming on more than one occasion, because sitting there without any control seriously drove me insane..... I need to work on that!
2)I wear my emotions on my sleeve.... As I sat at the attorneys table waiting (patiently) the bailiff walked by to apologize to me at least three times because he said he "knew" I was tired of waiting. Whoopsie...didn't mean to let my face show how I was feeling.... *note to self, no poker because your poker face apparently sucks*
3)I despise unfit parents... After seeing a parade of drug addicted, wife beating, child molesting and proud of it parents go before the judge pleading their "case" I now wish that there was an eligibility test before people could have children. I know everyone has to go through certain things in life to make them become the person they are destined to be....but I still think it's unfair for a child to have to live in such conditions with such deplorable people. It's not fair and some of the stories I heard today nearly brought me to tears...... *note to self, get tougher skin...I assume seeing your attorney cry will eventually tarnish credibility* Whoops again.
4)I need to not let small things like waiting completely ruin my day..... It wasn't as bad as I made it seem, and I do that quite too often when something occurs that I don't like. It's not fair to myself to let minor things I have no control over have such a big impact on my day. I'm too blessed to allow outside influences to steal my joy.
I admit I'm still a work in progress, but I think I'm on the right track. And now to bed.......I am beyond drained.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
1)I have very little patience....I had points today where I literally wanted to cry. I was so frustrated waiting and waiting for my case to come up. I had to stop myself from screaming on more than one occasion, because sitting there without any control seriously drove me insane..... I need to work on that!
2)I wear my emotions on my sleeve.... As I sat at the attorneys table waiting (patiently) the bailiff walked by to apologize to me at least three times because he said he "knew" I was tired of waiting. Whoopsie...didn't mean to let my face show how I was feeling.... *note to self, no poker because your poker face apparently sucks*
3)I despise unfit parents... After seeing a parade of drug addicted, wife beating, child molesting and proud of it parents go before the judge pleading their "case" I now wish that there was an eligibility test before people could have children. I know everyone has to go through certain things in life to make them become the person they are destined to be....but I still think it's unfair for a child to have to live in such conditions with such deplorable people. It's not fair and some of the stories I heard today nearly brought me to tears...... *note to self, get tougher skin...I assume seeing your attorney cry will eventually tarnish credibility* Whoops again.
4)I need to not let small things like waiting completely ruin my day..... It wasn't as bad as I made it seem, and I do that quite too often when something occurs that I don't like. It's not fair to myself to let minor things I have no control over have such a big impact on my day. I'm too blessed to allow outside influences to steal my joy.
I admit I'm still a work in progress, but I think I'm on the right track. And now to bed.......I am beyond drained.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Sunday, January 16, 2011
untitled.
You really love me.
Not in the fairy tale, too good to be true type of way...
Where rose petals mask impurities, and you buy affections...
But the kind of love that makes me want to wake up to you every morning, and wonder how we managed to stay in each others arms the entire night...
You really love me.
Not the kind of love where you have to remind me a million times by saying it...over and over again...are you trying to remind me or yourself?
I can tell without words.
You really love me.
Enough to make me forget everyone else before you and anyone else who could ever come after you...but will never get the chance.
Indescribable, uncharted and unexplored territory...but enough for me to know that the feeling is mutual. It's hard too explain, but so enjoyable to feel. You really love me, and I love you too.
Not in the fairy tale, too good to be true type of way...
Where rose petals mask impurities, and you buy affections...
But the kind of love that makes me want to wake up to you every morning, and wonder how we managed to stay in each others arms the entire night...
You really love me.
Not the kind of love where you have to remind me a million times by saying it...over and over again...are you trying to remind me or yourself?
I can tell without words.
You really love me.
Enough to make me forget everyone else before you and anyone else who could ever come after you...but will never get the chance.
Indescribable, uncharted and unexplored territory...but enough for me to know that the feeling is mutual. It's hard too explain, but so enjoyable to feel. You really love me, and I love you too.
Friday, January 14, 2011
love responsibly....
A few weeks ago I posted a status on facebook that simply stated, "..Enjoy life to the fullest. Take risks, learn from mistakes....and never be afraid to love somebody unconditionally. Oh yeah, and travel a lot." At the time, I did not see any error in my statement...at least until one of my friends sent me a message that said that I needed to love "responsibly" in addition to the unconditional. I asked her to give me a better explanation of what she meant..and then went further and asked her if after this past almost a year, did she still have thoughts that my relationship was not what it seems and merely a means of getting over a past relationship(this is not what I told her verbatim, but a good summary of the question I was trying to ask her)..her response was "no comment."
In essence, I probably should have insisted that she give me some sort of explanation in lieu of changing the subject, but I really did not care to hear an explanation at that time. I brushed it off, but that statement via blackberry messenger really did bother me. I spoke with a close friend, and even mentioned it to my boyfriend and they both gave me responses that coincided with what my initial thoughts were....but the term "responsible" added before love, really has been perplexing the hell out of me.
Now I've heard the term drink responsibly, but loving that way? Is that even truly possible? In my past relationship, I think an admonishment to be responsible would have been well deserving. Don't keep trusting, don't keep trying, don't keep letting someone treat you like this...I know you love him, but just be responsible... Well no one ever used that terminology with me during that time. But then again, looking back, I don't think I was thinking rational enough to even process the ideal of responsibility. But what does loving responsibly mean, when the scenario is nothing like the prior situation?
Should I go through the entirety of my relationship being cautious and afraid to fall? Should I second guess his intent when he tells me he loves me or how important I am in his life? Do I sleep with one eye open in anticipation of the day...(because it has yet to occur)... my trust for him is broken? Do I not take risks without strict evaluation, and thorough consideration? Or do I just not allow myself to enjoy the moment, because a year ago I was trying to escape a horrible situation...because surely I am not worthy of maybe having lucked upon "the one" in the midst of getting over someone who was definitely not him?
I'm sure my friend did not mean any harm when she made that statement, but it did make unpleasant thoughts waiver in my mind. It didn't create any doubt in my current situation, because even if he is not the one...he is single-handedly rebuilding my self esteem for whatever act could potentially follow him. I'm not angry or anything and I'm very content with loving the person I'm with unconditionally, but have I misinterpreted what it would mean to love someone "responsibly?"
In essence, I probably should have insisted that she give me some sort of explanation in lieu of changing the subject, but I really did not care to hear an explanation at that time. I brushed it off, but that statement via blackberry messenger really did bother me. I spoke with a close friend, and even mentioned it to my boyfriend and they both gave me responses that coincided with what my initial thoughts were....but the term "responsible" added before love, really has been perplexing the hell out of me.
Now I've heard the term drink responsibly, but loving that way? Is that even truly possible? In my past relationship, I think an admonishment to be responsible would have been well deserving. Don't keep trusting, don't keep trying, don't keep letting someone treat you like this...I know you love him, but just be responsible... Well no one ever used that terminology with me during that time. But then again, looking back, I don't think I was thinking rational enough to even process the ideal of responsibility. But what does loving responsibly mean, when the scenario is nothing like the prior situation?
Should I go through the entirety of my relationship being cautious and afraid to fall? Should I second guess his intent when he tells me he loves me or how important I am in his life? Do I sleep with one eye open in anticipation of the day...(because it has yet to occur)... my trust for him is broken? Do I not take risks without strict evaluation, and thorough consideration? Or do I just not allow myself to enjoy the moment, because a year ago I was trying to escape a horrible situation...because surely I am not worthy of maybe having lucked upon "the one" in the midst of getting over someone who was definitely not him?
I'm sure my friend did not mean any harm when she made that statement, but it did make unpleasant thoughts waiver in my mind. It didn't create any doubt in my current situation, because even if he is not the one...he is single-handedly rebuilding my self esteem for whatever act could potentially follow him. I'm not angry or anything and I'm very content with loving the person I'm with unconditionally, but have I misinterpreted what it would mean to love someone "responsibly?"
COMPARISON
1: the act or process of comparing: as a : the representing of one thing or person as similar to or like another b : an examination of two or more items to establish similarities and dissimilarities
Why do we waste time making comparisons of things that should never be similar to begin with? It's so difficult to categorize life experiences, and even more difficult to attempt to duplicate anything that someone else has going on. Yes, you can model your life based off of what you want or have seen work for others...but in order to fully maximize, you must realize that duplication is not key.
Comparison can be good to an extent, but should never be the basis of how you evaluate your own existence.
Why do we waste time making comparisons of things that should never be similar to begin with? It's so difficult to categorize life experiences, and even more difficult to attempt to duplicate anything that someone else has going on. Yes, you can model your life based off of what you want or have seen work for others...but in order to fully maximize, you must realize that duplication is not key.
Comparison can be good to an extent, but should never be the basis of how you evaluate your own existence.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Was it Worth it??
According to my old blog, this time last year my life was filled with drama. I'm almost sad to admit that people came to my blog just for their daily dose of "I'm so happy this is your life and not mine" foolishness. Between 2008-2010, I did a lot of crying, whining and hating the situations I was involved in(but not doing anything to change them). I wasn't happy. My life changed tremendously once I decided to try new things, and leave some things I'd became comfortable with in the past. It seems stupid to think that the beginning of my 2010 was occupied with the same ignorance that entertained me in 2009 and 2008. Was it really worth it?
I've asked myself that question a lot lately, and I think the answer is yes. Had I not cried all those tears, would I find it so easy to smile at the simple things now? If I had not went so long feeling unappreciated and inadequate, would I truly enjoy being treated like a queen now? If I had of achieved success when I had a manipulative person masquerading as a friend, would I have been able to enjoy the benefits of my hard work now? In retrospect, I have so many blessings that came out of my past. All of that turmoil has made me a stronger person...and looking forward to a year not filled with drama, I can look back...laugh, and be happy I went through some of the things I did. It was worth it.......
I've asked myself that question a lot lately, and I think the answer is yes. Had I not cried all those tears, would I find it so easy to smile at the simple things now? If I had not went so long feeling unappreciated and inadequate, would I truly enjoy being treated like a queen now? If I had of achieved success when I had a manipulative person masquerading as a friend, would I have been able to enjoy the benefits of my hard work now? In retrospect, I have so many blessings that came out of my past. All of that turmoil has made me a stronger person...and looking forward to a year not filled with drama, I can look back...laugh, and be happy I went through some of the things I did. It was worth it.......
Sunday, January 2, 2011
1/2/11
I got caught up in the celebrating and didn't make time to make my last official post of 2010....so I guess the reflecting would be in vain now. 2010, you were good to me, and I look forward to all the blessings that lay ahead in 2011!
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