As usual........

life has its own special way of interfering with your plans. The past few weeks have been a blur, as I've spiraled in and out of existence. Between work, which of course has been super hectic....attempting to have a social life, I still loathe Claire Huxtable for giving me the false perception that a career and love/family/friends etc was possible....and trying to stay sane as I transition into a world where my past doesn't define me...time has truly escaped me. My days turn into nights easier than before. The heavy looming remembrance of mistrust and wonder, no longer weigh as heavy on my mind...I have been enjoying the consistency and comfort of working...and learning, as I navigate my way through the legal system. Overall things with me have been fine....I can genuinely say I have been content. But apparently even contentment has its price.

I am an attorney. It is my role to serve as an attorney and counselor at law...but sometimes I think people take the whole "counsel" aspect of the job too literally. Everyday I'm inundated with phone calls, emails, clients....concerns, burdens, problems. Although my license proclaims that I am fully equipped to handle any situation that is placed before me, I still at times feel overwhelmed. Leadership is a gift and a curse. What if I'm not able to solve the problems of the world? Hell half the time I'm so busy with other peoples issues, that I put my own at the back of my mind where they are left to linger and stagnant..unattended too. I try to be a rock for everyone...friends, family...but sometimes it's hard. I don't always know the right words to say, the right documents to file...I do not hold the key to making everything right with the world. It gets hard sometimes. I hate to feel like I'm complaining...everyone is fighting their own battles, and in the larger scope of things, the issues that bother me seem like nothing in comparison to some of the issues plaguing those I come into contact with. How can I complain about my job, when I have those in my life struggling to make it to the next day...am I that selfish of a person to even form my lips to state that I'm tired of helping people? Is this what I have become...someone who prayed and worked so hard to get a gift only to seem like they don't appreciate it... and then my day ends. I clock out. Then I start over. I had a breakdown the other day, and prayerfully someone was there to talk me through the tears. It gets hard sometimes...I just want to be successful, and not lose myself in the process.

And then there is him. Relationships are hard enough on their own, but add in additional factors and trying to find love is almost as hard as looking for a snowflake on a sunny day. Things have been going well for us these past few months, but then again I have to wonder am I asking for too much too soon...How soon before someone decides if they want more than just dates and conversation? I don't have much experience in the realm of dating. I just know what I want in life, and pray that one day someone will want the same things at the same times. I promised myself I wouldn't rush things,but the control freak in me wants to see the future. Am I wasting my time, or should I simply sit back and enjoy these moments of pleasure and be thankful for what I have instead of looking past the present and rushing towards the future. I hate the unknown. But I cannot complain. I could be completely lonely....

Or worse I could still be clinging to the old days of www.trespasstochattels.blogspot.com where I didn't know if I was coming or going...the days where every utterance from my lips were words of self-hatred, wondering why I wasn't good enough for my ex-boyfriend...wondering why I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be... Once I decided in my mind that I was going to completely walk away from the past, he began to fill my head with promises. He said he was ready to change, ready to be faithful, ready to do right by me. He called...showed up at my house, emailed, texted...I told him I needed time...he told me he hated me and to go to hell. He was going to be with the person he cheated on me with...well one of the people he cheated with...and that was that. I'm happy I didn't fall for the false promises this go round, sad to lose the security of always knowing someone is going to hurt you(sadly its a comforting feeling to never have your expectations shattered)but happy for the opportunity to start over fresh. Thankfully, my days have gotten easier. I no longer wonder who he is with. I don't obsess over the others. I can go a day without feeling the urge to call out for him or hear his voice. In a sense I think I am healed. I know wounds do not heal overnight, and it takes more than just one band aid to cover a gaping wound, but I am trying and getting better.

I may not have the power to control every aspect of my life, but I am a firm believer in God and I know he won't put me though anything I cannot handle. Life gets tough sometimes....overwhelming even. I hope I don't sound ungrateful, because I truly am thankful for all of my blessings.

I guess you can say I've just been busy...living life, as usual.