Not too long ago, my heart was broken. In my mind, I knew that relationship was dead. There was no progress, no trust, no thoughts of a future...just me being comfortable with the security of having someone, but not necessarily being fulfilled, or even happy with the situation. Every time I was asked why I stuck around, I'd tearfully say it was because I loved him. But was I in love with him?
My heart kept telling me I had to stick around and make it work. All the while my thoughts had been programmed to believe that there wasn't anyone out there that would want and appreciate me, I had systematically told myself I was damaged goods to the point of belief. And I stayed. I blame myself for feeling so helpless. For time and time again telling myself that I needed a man in my life to validate me and for whatever reasons that I could not function without being a part of some twisted pair.
Physical satisfaction placated my feelings. Kept me content, yet still not blinded from what was going on right in front of my face. Words of disrespect shattering esteem, while moments of pleasure calmed my suspicions and quieted my tears. I cared about his well-being, but disregarded the lack of those things in return. I fought hard, proudly displaying my battle scars to the world as I attempted to fight off competitors. And for what? To brainwash myself into becoming a stereotype...recreate a spirit incapable of love? Morph into a creature of self-doubt. Sentence myself to a life of never knowing what real love, and being in love felt like............
Then one day, I walked away.
I must admit it wasn't easy. I lingered, and clung to the moments of good feelings, momentary satisfaction.... Gradually weening myself away....and then it happened. I had my suspicions at first, doubts even...yet I still gave way to chance. He wasn't what I was used too. Didn't necessarily fit the mold of what I envisioned for perfection, didn't portray the prototype. I had no anticipations, no hidden agenda or assignment I needed to fulfill. It just happened.....
It's sad to admit that I didn't think these feelings were possible, not after all the painful ones I had experienced from someone who supposedly loved me. Now I wake up every morning, praying for him. Wishing that he knows the capacity of my feelings for him, the dedication that has already developed, the desire I have to let him know he is a good man. My heart overflowing with appreciation for him and what he has done to make me feel valuable. My day isn't complete until I see his face, or feel his touch or inhale the scent of his cologne that lingers on my skin after a warm embrace. I love the way he listens intently, and knows my wishes and desires. I revel in the way he is open to talk to me about anything, about his family, his dissappointments and his fantasies. I am thankful for him letting me know he is proud of me, and I am proud of him as well for being responsible and thoughtful. In just this short time he has erased every insecurity buried deep inside of me, it's like the Lord placed him in my life at the right time to let me know that I was truly worthwhile and I genuinely want to give my all to show my gratitude to him for accepting that challenge. I can honestly say that these feelings are different from any I have ever experienced, it has went pass the realms of infatuation and transcends the lines of pure lust. I care for him in the spirit, as well as in the flesh.....
I don't know where things will lead, but I am grateful to whatever cosmic source that allowed us to cross paths. I keep telling myself to take it slow, enjoy the moment and see where things go, but I can't stop myself from spiralling deeper and deeper into.....love?
No comments:
Post a Comment