the past

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."- Paul Boese

For years I struggled with the idea of letting go, moving past an unhealthy relationship and opening my heart to someone new. I never understood what was stopping me...making me think I wasn't good enough..causing me to question my self-worth...allowing me to succumb to the in genuine advances of the flesh...manipulating my mind with doubt and insecurity.... Basically turning me into an empty shell, fueled by the idea that my survival was dependent on the control of this one person in my life. I struggled with valuing myself. I allowed someone to control me. I lost myself.

Of course in the midst of those situations, you rationalize with yourself. Make excuses for why he strayed. Pretend that it's something you must be doing wrong to keep him from being happy. I questioned my intentions so I often, I got lost in the relationship. I cried so many tears, that I think my eyes lost the ability to see clearly. I continued to love him. I strayed. I fought. I came back. Time and time again, this repetition continued until I reached the point of not even thinking when I went through everyday interactions with him. My heart continued to be loyal. Despite the insults, the infidelity, the threats to leave, the guilt trips...my heart still stayed loyal. So many empty promises have been made. I said I was moving on last year, the year before that, and the year before that a decade spans. And finally I did.

For those of you who read my previous blog you know how much I struggled emotionally and mentally to move past this time in my life. In fact it got so bad that I wanted to completely forget the details of the life I lived before I reclaimed my self-worth, and started over fresh with this new chronicle of my life. It's been hard, but in the end I keep convincing myself that despite his insults and admonishments that I will never find someone to replace him...I'm still going to move forward with the life I want to live. Free from mistrust, hurt, infidelity, lies, paranoia and fear that one day the words would have turned into something worse. I don't know if I can forgive him for all the damage he caused, or even his lack of acknowledgment that he caused pain in my life..I really think it's essential for me to truly enlarge my future. My biggest fear is that my heart is so damaged from the past,that I'll never truly find love and happiness with another individual. I could be stupid and continue the same repetition of feeling loved one day to being driven to tears the next...but I really don't think that is what love was meant to be like. I want to embrace a life where someone appreciates my worth, doesn't find fault in all my actions and doesn'tfeel the need to belittle me to a level that makes them value themselves more. My prayer is that I didn't waste an eternity mustering the strength to move on, and missed an opportunity to really be loved. I hope that all the things he said aren't really true.

I keep myself busy, and yes I am doing ten times better today than I was a year ago..but I still wonder what if. Dont mistake my humanity for weakness, I'd be a fool to ignore all the things that have transpired...but some nights I really do ponder the unknown. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know I will never let another human being determine my worth again. It may have felt like love in the beginning, but love should never make you question yourself...lose sight of your goals...or cause stress.

I have to forgive, but will I ever be able to forget?