Tuesday, April 26, 2011
past actions, present experiences...
Last night, I came to the realization that I really do have difficulty letting things go. I struggled so long, attempting to force away feelings for someone who hurt me in the past...only to realize that I still give that person power. I let the bad things he did, overshadow the things I'm experiencing now. I have days that are tarnished from jump, because I equate bad actions to things that are not even parallel to my reality. I become obsessed with the small things...things he did that meant so much at the time...and become enraged when I notice the smallest glimmer of similarity with something that is occurring now. I lack trust, when the person I'm with has never gotten the opportunity to act in an untrustworthy manner. I become fixated on other people, because in the past...every woman who started out as just a friend, was always more. I spent more time obsessing over how to keep another woman away than I did with focusing on how to be the woman my man needed me to be. And now...even when I don't even know there is something wrong, all I can hear in my head is his voice, telling me it's nothing when the proof of years is telling me it means more. In no way is it fair for me to punish the person I'm with for someone else's crimes,it's just difficult at times for me to not let his past actions..overshadow, consume and overwhelm my enjoyment of my present experiences.....
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Sometimes the path to healing for a broken heart is hard and when your majority is bleak is can be hard to see past it at times. I have been hurt a lot in my life and it can really be so hard to get over, but you just have to give it to God. I am convinced that we as humans are quite powerless over our emotions if we don't put God into the equation. I know that you do so you are on the right path. For me, I really just started to surrender my emotions fueled by pain to God and as time as past, though I am still hurt it has gotten better. I will keep you in my prayers and be encouraged, it will get better in time. Joyce Meyer said that sometimes if the bondage is bigger then it might take longer to heal. You have made a lot of progress so I am sure that the brightest of days are ahead! :o)
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