the conversation

The last time I heard his voice was in August, months after I promised myself I was going to move on. I'd seen him out at a local club, but no words were spoken as I painstakingly forced myself not to look in his direction or even acknowledge his presence. It was too soon and the wound still ached. I know I spoke often of my ex-boyfriend and our past relationship, and even used my blogs as a means of providing counsel to myself from some of the internal suffering I was occurring as a result of our relationship...and then I moved on. It was hard at first. I had to block him from sending me text messages and block myself from sending any to him..erase his number and force myself to forget he existed to even allow myself to move forward with the person I'm with now...and slowly but surely I was able to make it through the day without missing him or thinking about him. Any chance I found myself reminiscing I would instantly replace that memory with a vision of one of the hundreds of hurtful incidents that happened along the tenure of us being together...and then I continued to forget.

Last week I talked to him......In my mind I envisioned a massive breakdown of me regretting my decision to walk away, tears, regrets or hurtful words from him.......and surprisingly none of the above occurred. It was a peaceable conversation. He asked how I was doing, how were things with me and my new boyfriend, apologized for the way he treated me all these years and expressed his own regret(or so he claims) of not being the one to make me happy. I did not feel any twinges of remorse and I am proud of myself for not having any emotions upon him expressing what(and who) he has been doing during the times of us being apart. I'm not surprised that he continued to deal with two of the main people he continuously cheated on me with, and I told him that I was happy for him having those women in his life and hopefully one of them could be the one to make him happy. Lastly he asked me how I was able to manage to get over him so quickly...... I told him it wasn't easy, because it hasn't been.... but you have to recognize that someone new may not be able to love you the exact same way and you should never go around looking for a replacement(duplicate) of the person you were once in love with. Everybody is going to love you different, just accept the person and not try to make them someone they are not. Stop looking for someone to fill a void, let them create their own place in your heart and let them love you the way they know how too.

When I look back I am glad I had my time with my ex-boyfriend because he helped me realize a lot of things about myself and what I'm willing to tolerate in a relationship. I know what I deserve and I know that I need someone in my life who is not only willing to treat me with respect and dignity, but love and support me unconditionally. I am thankful for the torture my ex put me through, because it makes me appreciate my boyfriend even more. I can cherish the way he treats me and fully be myself without the fear of him wanting to change me into someone or something I am not. More so I'm even more thankful for the conversation because it solidified for me that the heart broken chapter of my life is over and I can fully embrace this new book on love I am experiencing. I wished my ex-boyfriend good luck in life and bid him farewell....the conversation then ended....