farewell to the 20's

I've been doing my best not to become fixated on my birthday, but now that it's literally two hours away I can't stop myself from reminiscing on the decade I'm on the cusp of leaving behind. These past 10 years of my life have been eventful to say the least, and it's hard for me to fathom the idea of how far I've come since my twentieth birthday all those many years ago... I've grown in a lot of ways, but as much as things changed some still stayed the same. I learned to love myself and to expect others to treat me with respect, but still have not overcome the ability to completely shut my heart or mind off to others opinions of me. I realized that despite how much you love someone, you can never force them to love you the way you deserve to be loved and at some point you must be brave enough to break away to find someone who will...your feelings may never change for that person and it is okay to still care for someone who hurt you, as long as you love yourself enough to care about them from a distance. In my twenties, I struggled to find myself, although I knew all along what I wanted to be..in that decade I want to truly leave behind the fear and barriers that have been keeping me from pursuing that passion. I learned to be happy with who I am, I once portrayed an image that never truly was myself. I fooled many. I finally have the confidence to be me. The me I am has not pleased everyone...some stayed. Many others have left in search of those who better represent themselves or fit into their molds of reality. I cherish those who have lasted and endured with me, without judgment or obligation. It took me awhile to learn life lessons, believe people when they show you who they really are, everything that looks good to you isn't good for you, mother knows best.....but now that I've learned I keep those tools in my back pocket. My mother has always been in my corner, it took awhile to realize that her ways were merely to protect me...she saw those girls were trouble, feared the tears he caused me for so many years were devastating. I ignored and paid the price. But I reap the rewards now. That decade was overshadowed with fitting in, living up to others expectations, persona's, masking of true self, worshipping idol gods...people, possessions, letters... It's easier and more rewarding to exist on your own...stand on your own beliefs. Pray to the only true God. Receive his blessings. Work hard for everything you think you deserve, but acknowledge the fact that He is directing your steps. It has all been written. Pray and stay strong in faith. I had none then. I had clothes, makeup and appearances to make on the social scene...allowed myself to disrespect myself... now I genuinely cherish my entire being. I can't predict how this next decade will be but I am well equipped to make it. I still need work. Assistance with the progress I have made. The twenties were beyond adequate preparation. They were good to me. I have accomplished a lot. I know what deserves worship, who should be cherished and what roads I never need to travel again. This moment came faster than I could have ever imagined. I've come so far, and I have so much farther that I want to go.

Now I'm sitting here, halfway on the verge of tears, just thinking about my life and all the changes I have gone through, challenges I've faced and obstacles I have overcome.... and I am beyond thankful........... **insert wistful sigh**